Diaper Free Baby!!!

On Saturday, I went with my mom to Valley Forge National Park. I got to meet some of the women from the philadelphia diaper free baby Yahoo group. It was absolutely awesome. I took both of the kids, and they had fun. I had fun!

At first, I will admit I was pretty nervous. I thought that this was going to be a group of women with everyone like, my baby is perfect, he was potty trained at 2 months, blah blah blah. But, I went and got over my nervousness, and got to hear some really realistic stories for women. No one's child is perfect, and that makes me happy. I mean I don't want anyone to have problems, but that at least makes me feel normal. I got to see a few potties, and I decided that I have to get a portable potty, a Potette. This little thing is so convenient, you can put it in the car, or it's great for the park. It was an awesome little thing.

I was talking to them about how Damian is fully potty trained, as long as he doesn't have pants on. And about different preferences for diapers, and baby carriers. Everything baby!

EC part 2

So, last night, we went to Wine & Spirits, and bought some alcohol. So, after I put Donovan to bed, I got started with the drinking. The alcohol did me wonders, it gave me a way to express to Daryl how I feel, in a way that he would understand.

I told him that our house is like a pizza, it takes different pieces to make it whole. And that lately, I've felt like I've been putting more into the pizza than he has. So, the second that I said that, immediately he goes, OOOOOH, ok, now I understand. Then, I told him that our relationship is like the cup of soda that you get with the pizza, and that he's been trying to put in more there that I have. Looking back at what I said, that makes us look like some pretty fat people. Oh Well!!

In other news, I finally get to meet some other mothers that are trying elimination communication with their kids. I joined a group on Yahoo, of mothers in my area that do the same thing. They meet once a month, and I think that it's a great idea for me to join in. My mother is going to take me, and we're going to be in the park, which will be awesome!

Which reminds me that I was so excited yesterday, because Damian pooped in the potty yesterday, and that was so awesome. This was his first time. Normally, he will pee in the potty, but not poop. Not that anyone would want to know that.

Can I be a single parent?

I wish that my life could be easy. That I could have the picture perfect life that I always see on TV. But, I guess that life isn't for me. Daryl is driving me insane. I try to help him out with the things that he wants, and what does he do, he bites me in the ass and tells me to screw myself. Not literally, but metaphorically.

Both kids are in daycare, and he still hasn't looked for a job. He doesn't even want to get up in the morning to take his son to daycare. I don't want to get on the bus with both kids if he's around. It doesn't seem fair to me. He wants me to take care of him, and give him everything that he wants, for nothing in return.

I tell him that he should clean the house, and keep it clean since he's home during the day. In return, he tells me that he wants me to show him more affection. Which it has been lacking lately, because I am just so frustrated with him that I feel no type of affection towards him whatsoever. So, I told him, OK. This worked for two days. Then, we went shopping, and bought him some clothes and a Nintendo DS for me, and Damian. We were out so late, and Damian started acting out, because he was hungry. But, his dad just yelled at him, and didn't even acknoeledge the fact that he was acting out because he was hungry. So, we came home that night, and I went to bed, so there was no cuddling. Then yesterday, I came home, and the house was messy, and he didn't even attempt to clean after I got home.

I don't think that I can even do anymore of the kissing and cuddling, definitely no s3x. I can't handle it emotionally opening myself up like that to someone who doesn't appreciate the things that I do for them. He's becoming too lazy for me. Won't even watch his own kids during the day, to save me some money.I don't think that I can take it anymore.

After I had Damian, I stayed home, and he worked. No, I didn't clean much. But, I took care of the baby, and didn't sit on my ass playing the video game all day long. I made sure to do things that were educational and enjoyable for him. I stayed home for 9 months, then I got a job, went back to school, and contributed to our household income.

He hasn't had a job since Damian turned 1. The boy is now 2 and a half, and he hasn't looked for work yet. Then today, I asked him to take some packages to the post office, clean the apartment, and pay the rent. He went shopping with his friend, "tried" to pay the rent, and didn't think about cleaning. I know that he won't clean, because his friend is that and they are playing the video game. I asked him to not have anyone in the house if it is messy. Does he care? NO!

EC

So, I have been a pretty busy woman with everything. I have been trying to potty train Damian. No success. Working with Donovan, loads of success.

Yes, I did say Donovan. I was reading blogs, and I came across one with someone talking about Elimination Communication. I heard about it when I was pregnant, but it went into and out of my head in a second. So, this past 2 weeks, I have been sitting him on the potty when I think he needs to go. And he totally gets the point. So, most of the time when I sit him on the potty, he goes, or tries to go.

Summer

Today, when I looked outside, I realized that I wish I could quit my job. It's not that I dislike my job. I just miss having summer's off. I could go wherever I wanted, when I wanted, and it was nice. Absolutely awesomely nice.

The beast that is my mother!

I posted this earlier on Yahoo! Answers!

Should I disassociate myself from my mother?

When I was pregnant with my second child, I was living with my mother in law. My parents were having some trouble paying their bills, and wanted to get government assistance with their utilities. So, my mother asked me if she could say that my son and I live with her. So that her income would be for more people, making her eligible for more money.

During that time, I was looking for an apartment, to move out of my MIL's house. So, I told her that she couldn't use our information. She proceeded to call me selfish and self centered, and all of this other jazz. I stopped talking to her, because I didn't want the extra stress with my pregnancy. Two weeks later, her mother died, and we started talking again.

Three months after I had the baby, I got an apartment, and moved. She saw my place, loved it, and decided to move into an apartment in the same neighborhood. Right around the corner!

Three months ago, the kids started going to daycare. I asked her, if she wouldn’t mind taking me and the kids up to the daycare every morning, and I would give her money for gas. It worked fine, for the first month. But, after that, she started making me late in the morning. I would call heart 7:45 to get me at 8, and she wouldn’t show until 8:15. This makes a huge difference, since I am catching the bus to work from the daycare. This past week, I started calling her earlier in the morning, and telling her that I had to leave earlier. So I was on time.

I just got paid on Friday, but I am running behind on my bills. So, I told her that I wouldn’t be able to give her money this week. I told her this on Saturday. She came over to my house on Sunday, with my brother to take the kids to the playground. I called her yesterday morning, to take me up to the daycare, and she doesn’t even answer the phone. She lets my dad, who almost never answers the phone pick it up.

She has him tell me at 7:45 in the morning that she’s not going to give me a ride. That leaves me no time to get to work on time. Seeing as they already issued a warning my way about lateness, I called out.

I’m not upset about the fact that she decided not to take me to work. I’m upset about the fact that she treated me like so random person and couldn’t tell me herself the day before. I know that she knew that she wasn’t going to give me a ride. She wasn’t even going to call me that morning. Am I wrong to be mad?

I hate the damn bank!!!!!!!

I am so scared right now, that I will be fired from work. Or, possibly written up. This past two weeks, I have been late to work, almost everyday. This is kinda fault of my own, and something that I am trying to fix. I get a ride from my mother every morning to my babies daycare, then I catch the train to work from there. Most mornings, I tell her that I want her to come to my house a 8:00, and I generally will call her at 7:55. She normally says "Ok, I'll be there in 5 minutes." Then show up at 8:15. Occasionally she shows up at 7:55, and complains about waiting, because I'm not ready. The thing is, with me taking the train in the morning, it is a very big difference between 8:00. and 8:15.

Then, one day last week, I call her at 7:55, and my dad answers the phone. He says, "She's in the bathroom, I'll tell her you called." She calls back about 10 minutes later like, "My IBS is acting up, I'll be there in 15 minutes." Since I wait for her in the morning, taking the bus isn't an option, because then I'll be really late. But, that day, she showed up 30 minutes later, and drove me to work, because she was going to the doctor that day. Of course we ran into traffic, and made me so late that I would have had a better chance just taking the bus. I just don't know what to do about it. And, when I tell her that I'm running late, she says, "Oh, well there's nothing you can do now."

So yesterday, same scenario, I call her at 8:04, thinking that if she has more time, she'll still show at the same time. But, she doesn't show up until 8:25. I still had to go to the store to buy some diapers, for my son to go to daycare. So, we go to the store, I grab the stuff in a hurry and go to the counter. The guy scans the stuff, I swipe my card, and the guy tells me "DENIED". I said WHAT?!?!?!, are you serious? So I go out to the car, borrow my mom's phone, and call the bank. Turns out that I had scheduled for them to send out my rent check for this month, way back in April, even though I thought that I had canceled it. So my account was overdrawn a whole bunch. So I go on the online chat with one on the bank people, and try to explain the situation. He tells me that I can't stop payment on the check, because it already posted to my account. Well, at least my rent was paid.

Today, I look at my account, and it is no longer overdrawn. So, I'm wondering where I got money. Turns out they returned the check, and charged me a fee. So, I had to pay them a fee, and when my landlord notices that the check bounced, I'll have another fee to pay.

At least I was on time to work today.

Pregnant? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, the diaper hunt is over and I am back to continue blogging. This past month has been a very unbusy one for me. Besides diaper hunting, I haven't really been up to much. I have been starting to feel alot less depressed as far as attitude goes, and I'm beginning to think that I suffer with seasonal depression.

But anyway, because who cares about that. I finally have permanent birth control. I have been scared that I was going to get pregnant again, since I gave birth to Donny. But, yesterday, I went to Planned Parenthood, and got my IUD. YAY ME!!!!

Almost forgot. I decided that trying cloth diapers is a good idea. So, I bought a package with prefolds, covers, and snappis, and decided to give it a go. And, it is awesome! I absolutely love the diapers. I want to try other types of cloth diapers and everything. I love the whole cloth diapering thing. With all of this said, if anyone ever decided to take a glance at this blog besides me, you can try cloth diapers too. Tiffany at Nature Moms Blog is offering a cloth diaper giveaway. So, if you'd like to try cloth diapering too, leave her a comment for a chance to win.

I think that I havce such an addictive personality. I say this because for the past week, every unbusy moment at work was spent in search of diapers. Let's start from the beginnning.

On tuesday, I was looking at different websites, trying to find cloth diapers for my babies, because I'm getting tired of spending so much money on disposable ones. So, I was on this site, and I saw a banner that said Great Cloth Diaper Hunt. I, of course, clicked for more details. Then I found out that a whole bunch of websites are hiding diapers, and I can find them. Now, you can too!

What................?

This weekend, I got more drunk that I have in such a long time. I was like so drunk that I could barely talk straight. Well, I could talk, but everything came out of my mouth even the stuff that wasn't supposed to.

This happened because I wanted Daryl to get alcohol. But, since my friend Nicey came over after I got off of work, she wanted to go since she is newly 21. So, we went to Wine and Spirits, and bought all this different stuff. It was so awesome.

Beside that, I am starting to actually work on my sex issues. Daryl and I are actually having sex now. AND IT DOESN'T HURT!!! I know I never talked about the pain on here before. But that's just so big it doesn't even matter.

We went for like a month and a half without it, because I was so so scared of the pain. It would feel like this really horrible stabbing pain on one side. So, I would tell him to try to go to the other side, but that never worked. So, I just avoided it, because no pain is always better. Sex or no.

I took forever

I finally got my period this weekend. It's been like two months since I've seen it. I was beginning to think that I'd need to start buying matertnity clothes again. But, thank god, I don't. Because I'd have surely killed myself by now, and the zero readers that I have would have definitely noticed.

Anyway, I got the opportunity to finally use my new Keeper cup. It is great!!!!

Throwing Tantrums, Maybe.................

I thought yesterday night would be a good opportunity to get drunk and sit around the house with Daryl. Oh, how wrong I was! The getting drunk part worked out fine, but the sitting around, forget about it. Ten minutes after I started drinking, I heard the baby monitor. Donny decided that even though I had just nurse him, he was hungry. So, we made him a bottle and he went back to sleep. Two seconds later, I hear him coughing up a storm. So I go to cuddle with him, but he wanted me to hold him. I held him for about a minute, got scared, and decided that I'd prefer for Daryl to hold him.

Why was I scared?? Good question. Well last month, March 1st to be exact, I had to go to work and Donny was kinda sick. So we decided that he should go to the hospital. But, seeing as I had to be to work, we only had 1 car seat, and my aunt doesn't drive babies minus car seats, I had to take Damian to work with me. So, I called my job, told them that I was running late, but still coming in (if I wasn't absolutely needed, I would so have not come in). So, I arrive to work an hour late, and Baggy Eyes has something to say about it. "You really can't come in this late to work, you're supposed to be in before the patients, blah blah blah." No thought crossed her mind to ask me why I was extremely late, with child in tow (This has nothing to do with why I was scare to hold the baby, but my blog, i can bitch as I please). By the time that I actually had work to do, my aunt came by with the car seat, and picked up my Damian. When I was almost finished with the interview(survey) that I had to do, Baggy Eyes comes into the room, asks me if I'm almost done, then tells me that they're going to keep the baby in the hospital. In front of the patient!!

After I leave work, my extremely nice aunt gives me and Damian a ride up to the hospital. Daryl stays for a bit longer, then he takes Damian home, and I take over there. Later that night around 8 or 9pm, Donny starts to cough and cry, I'm thinking that he's hungry, so I try to nurse him. But, he's actually crying because he's having trouble breathing. So, after I notice this, I tell the nurse(nurse1) who is already in the room feeding the other baby that was in there. She puts the baby down, and comes to check his monitor. The oxygen percentage is down to 80, supposed to be 100. She goes to get another pulse-ox monitor, to be sure that one isn't broken, and calls in another nurse(nurse 2). They use the other one and it says the same thing, that the oxygen level is going down. But, all this time, I'm holding him and I notice it going down and down, 75, 73, 68..... I can feel him barely breathing in my arms, and his little body is going so limp. Then nurse1 takes him, and she can feel that the monitor is right, immediately. Nurse2 called his doctor, who is all of the way across the hospital on another floor. By this time his monitor is 45, 43, 37....... Nurse1 goes into the hallway and calls in all of these doctors that were there. They put him on a nebulizer, which helped immediately, and his doctor came back soon after that. They gave him some steroids, and had him transferred to intensive care, where he stayed for a few days, then came home. Of course, I stayed with him in the hospital and missed two days of work. Baggy Eyes' comment, see here.

Now, anytime that I am intoxicated, I can't really get a good feel on his body. This leads me to feel scared that he may not be breathing, and I wouldn't notice. His father thinks that he knows that I wouldn't ignore his cries, and takes advantage of it. I don't know if this is true, it's of course possible, but I like to think the best of my baby. Which is that he's greedy and doesn't know anything about giving me, "me" time. But, at least then he's not playing with me like a doll.

I want food!!

So, yesterday I came home from work to find my house all messy and my babies hungry. What was their daddy doing? Playing the video game. I needed him to put the laundry in bags so that I could go do the laundry. Instead, he was betting money that he didn't have playing the fuckin video game. I was so disgusted. So I went into the extremely messy bedroom to nurse the Donny. After I come out, I find out that his nephew left, and didn't leave the laundry card that he was going to let us borrow. But, he said he was coming back (didn't happen).

Then, my friend Nicey was supposed to come over to take the kids to the playground to play. But, since I get out of work at 5, and don't get home until 6. She was like that's too late to go out with the kids. But, I was like dude, it's still light outside, and will be until like 8. But, oh well.

So, last night we were going to order some food. But, when we told that place we wanted to use our card, they were like "hold on", and hung up. So, we naturally assumed that they were assholes, and decided to make our own food. But, half way through the food, the doorbell rings(WTF??). Daryl goes to answer the doo and it is, (like you don't know) the delivery guy. So we tell him what happened, and he's all (blah blah blah) "well you can call them and tell them the number and you can take the food and i'll come back for you to sign and Please tak e the food". And we basically closed the door and threw out the pizza menu for that place, because I don't want bitter (spit in) food later, because they made the food and we didn't take it.

Was I wrong?

Ugh!

I feel so horrible. When I go out of the house, I feel like shit. I used to feel so beautiful. But now, I have no idea why I feel so horrible.

After I had Donny, I still felt good until I started to work. I just feel the need to drink smoke and do whatever I can to make the time go faster. These past few days, I actually got hit on by a few guys. This made me feel better. But, I still don't feel right.

I used to have the sex drive of a frickin bunny. Now, I feel like I could go on forever without sex. I don't want it, don't need it. I couldn't care less about it, and that's weird. I wish I could just hit a switch and make it better. But, unfortunately it doesn't work that way. Oh Well!!!

Very very baggy eyes........

Well, today, my husband (boyfriend, or fiance depending on how I feel) called me and was like, "I am so mad at you!" So, I'm just like "OK, why?" Turns out that I left the baby's milk in the fridge when I took him to daycare today. He was there crying for hours, and he wouldn't take the formula that I bought for occasions that they run out of milk. So Daryl had to go running up there to take the milk. But, he just ended up taking them home.

While all of that was going on, I was sitting at work with my seriously annoying co worker, Baggy eyes. She is constantly talking about our other coworkers behind their backs and smiling in their faces like nothing is wrong. I call out of work for 2 days, because my youngest son was in the hospital. When I cam back to work. She says "Oh, you screwed yourself out of overtime pay", which is fine. But, after I said "Whatever!", she wonders out loud why I act like I just don't care. It makes no sense to me, to be angry about not getting overtime, when I am in the hospital with my baby. I'm just happy that he's alive and well.

So, today she thought that it was her job to make sure to check up on my responsibilities, before I get to work. Then she proceeded to dictate to me how to do my job. She is not my supervisor, I haven't been falling behind, I don't need help. All that is doing is just pissing me off. Thank the lord she left early today. Not before she decided that it was appropriate to ask me if I feel like I ruined my life by having kids so early. She thinks I should be able to do what I want at my age. I think, it's none of her damn business what I do with my life. But, that's nosy annoying people for you.

This is the beginning.........

Ok, so this is my first post as I am sure you can see. I don't want to start of with my biography because that seems so cliche. So, if you keep reading you will learn about me, my life, and my kids.

I've decided to start writing a blog because I'm very depressed, and I don't want to pay a psychologist every week to just listen to me rant, when I can have the internet do it for free. Maybe, if I'm lucky, someone will give me some good advice that will forever end my depression. But, until then, you can read about why I feel down.